Confessions Of A Dark Soul
by LiToDaRkOnE
Summary: COMPLETE Beneath the seemingly perfect exterior of Hermione Granger, there lies a frighten and depression filled child, this is her story. This is a repost because it got deleted, enjoy! r&r please. OTHER HALF IS NOW UP!
1. A Song With Meaning

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the "plot" if there is one… I'm not very good at writing and I'm reposting because SOMEONE decided to report my fic so it got removed.

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_When Will It Be Me – Yasmeen_

_I see the couples all-walking by_

_I feel like I don't want to be alone today_

_So glad no one can see what I hide deep inside how it feels to be_

_The girl who will never kiss the right guy tell me why_

_When there's so much I've got to give_

_I wake up reaching out in the night_

_Ready to hold him tight till I realize that nobody is there._

_When will it be me?_

_When will I be the one somebody's dreaming of?_

_When's it going to be me?_

_When will I find my heart lying inside the arms that never lets me go?_

_I'd really like to know_

_When will it be me?_

_My friends seem to have all the luck (feels like love)_

_Knocks on their door and walks right in_

_I know that I am worthy of_

_What I've been wishing for and I can't wait no more_

_But it's now here to be found_

_When will it be me?_

_When will I be the one somebody's dreaming of? Tell me_

_When's it going to be me?_

_When will I find my heart lying inside the arms that never lets me go?_

_I'd really like to know_

_When will it be me?_

_Feeling his tender touch_

_Lying in his arms_

_Talking about forever together_

_Giving him all my love_

_That's been trying to break free._

_Don't want to be alone no more_

_I'm telling you what I need_

_I want someone who loves me for me_

_And when will it be?_

_Wonder when it will be me?_

_When will I be the one somebody's dreaming of?_

_The one he's dreaming of_

_When will I find my heart lying inside the arms?_

_When will it be me?_

_When will I be the one somebody's dreaming of?_

_oOoOoOo yea yea_

_When will I find my heart lying inside the arms?_

_I ask myself when will it be me…_


	2. So It Begins

**Chapter 2: So It Begins**_  
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_Dear Diary, August 16, 2004_

_My friends, my muggle friends to be exact have always encouraged me to express myself in some way. They are the only ones who know about my home life. What really goes on at my house and what really goes through my head but even they can't predict what I think and do. Well this is not the first diary I've ever had but I actually plan on keeping this one, at least I think I will. Let's see I'm still the mousy know-it-all Granger I've always been. I still have the rat's nest I call hair; my body is ok. All I need is to lose some pounds and I'm all right. Everyone sees me as the perfect girl. Perfect grades, prefect "friends" and perfect life. But in reality I'm anything but perfect. Sure I have good grades but the good grades are just a thing I have to get attention from my parents. My home life isn't as perfect as people come to believe. I have an older sister to which everyone adores. My friends thinks she's so cool, the guys I like thinks she's so incredibly hot, and my parents, no my entire family favors her. I may sound jealous, maybe I am I don't know, but what I do know is that they don't know my sister like I do and she's anything but nice and cool. The only thing I've got going for me is my grades. As long as I keep that up, I get some attention from my family and that's all I ever wanted._

_My "friends" on the other hand, I'm not so sure about. Sure they're nice and all but sometimes I just feel like they're using me because I'm such a smart ass. And that's not a really nice feeling. Nothing really goes my way. Nothing is perfect like some people like to think. It's actually the exact opposite. I hate my life. It's that plain and simple._

_My family ignores me. My so-called friends use me and adore my sister along with my family. No one knows this is how I really feel. Everyone just thinks that I'm this smart-ass girl who thinks she's too good for anyone, but the sad truth is I just want to be happy. I've cut myself so many times I've lost count but I remember what each cut was from. Most of them were because of my family, my mom especially. I don't know why but she's been getting on my nerves for the past year. My muggle friends have seen my scars and they helped me stop for two months but lately I couldn't help myself. I just had to do it again. The pain, I just couldn't take it anymore. That's why I can't stay home during the summer. I'll go insane if I do. My family in general is always comparing my sister and I and I heard my dad admit to my mom and my sister that he is giving me a much harder time than he ever did to my sister but he never said why. That was weeks ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. They all thought I was asleep but I really wasn't and I could hear everything that they were saying. I couldn't believe it. I just really want to die, but I can't because my best friend, who's a muggle actually cares about my well being. And my other muggle friends that helped me pull through but lately I haven't seen any of them and it's getting really hard for me to control myself and my need to cut._

_I've tried to focus my attention on this one muggle boy that I used to go to school with and we're still friends. I've had a crush on him for a while and my friends are trying to help me forget about my family and/or life problems by talking about him, and trying to get us together. And I'm scared of what he'll think if he ever found out that I cut and my life isn't as perfect as people just love to think of it. I've already kept so many secrets from them like me being a witch and all. I don't want to see what will happen. Things have already gone awry with Harry. I fell in love with him in our 4th year but I never told him, but we confided in each other about our love life problems or just life problems in general. He ended up just playing with my already fragile emotions and we hadn't talked in a month of two and we recently started talking a little but it wasn't like the conversations we used to have; the conversations that I miss so much. I felt like I could tell him everything and that he would understand it all, but I guess I was wrong. He wasn't what I thought he was, but I still miss talking to him a lot. Well it's almost 12:30 am already and I guess I should get to bed. I feel a lot better now that I wrote everything down. Maybe keeping a diary won't be as bad as I thought it would be. Bye for now._

_Always but not likely forever,_

_Hermione Granger_


	3. What I May Miss

**Chapter 3: What I May Miss**_  
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_Dear Diary,August 17, 2004_

_Wow two days in a row, incredible. I guess I will be keeping a diary, at least for now anyway. Today is going a lot better than yesterday. I'm not as depressed anymore. Everything was going great until my right upper back started to itch like crazy. I ran to the bathroom to see what the hell was making me so itchy and I found out why. I had a little rash on my shoulder. This has happened before and it kept me out of school for two weeks. Madame Promphy held me against my will for almost the whole time. The pompous woman over reacts to practically any little injury like a paper cut. I got pretty behind in my work but I wasn't going to let me being sick ruin the only attention I get from my parents._

_Just now my mom came into my room and took my laundry and yelled at me for "wearing" some sweats. I really didn't wear them except for that one day when it was really cold. My mom and I haven't been the best of friends; actually we never were that close but we were civil, when I say were, I mean were as in past tense. I've been getting yelled at practically all summer and I can't wait until school starts. So I can get away from all of this. I can't believe I miss school so much, hell I even miss Draco, I mean Malfoy, and he teases me all the time. Now that I think of it, he's the only one I can tolerate. Sure he teases me and I yell back but that's "normal" in everyone's eyes. He actually helps me let my anger out without even knowing it. I guess going back to school will be much better than I originally thought it would be. I'll be able to control my anger better, fewer things will actually fuel my anger (mother dearest), and the best part of school is not being at home. All the happiness a depressed person can get._

_Always but not likely forever,_

_Hermione Granger_

_**.:Later:.**_

_Dear Diary,August 17, 2004_

_Two entries in the same day wow! Really big surprise there but anyways the day kind of went down hill after the first entry. Never would have thought I would write more than one entry in a day, but oh well. Remember my mom? Yeah well she's been getting on my nerves again. She's been yelling at me today and I hated it. I didn't do anything wrong. Plus it's summer. I should be having fun and freedom, but what do I get? I get a summer of hell._

_First I got enrolled in a summer school for the gifted and everyone was muggle but that's beside the point. That ended like three weeks ago and I've been stuck at home ever since. During the damned school I was struggling with the summer homework that Hogwarts require it's students to do every year if they want their choices of classes for the following school year. After the summer school ended, I was stuck at the hellhole I call home. I was either staying at home or going to the library._

_Yes the library, my home away from home. The only place I feel comfortable and relaxed. Oh and I didn't go there to study or do homework. At least I planned to do homework but that didn't go as planned. That is what happens when you "study" or "do homework" with friends. You never get anything done because everyone is too distracted by everyone else to do any work. So the time gets wasted talking and gossiping. The good part is that every time I went to the library was because my muggle friend asked/invited me to come and meet him there. It was great because not only was I not home but I was also with my friends and the guy I have a crush on. Sometimes I wonder why I never give up magic and just be a muggle, but then if I did give up magic I wouldn't be special and being special is good in my family. At least for me it is. Being special is how someone gets recognition for the things that they do because they're special._

_Always but not likely forever,_

_Hermione Granger_


	4. Family Isn't Always Great

**Chapter 4: Family Isn't Always Great**_  
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_Dear Diary,August 18, 2004_

_You know my sister can just be awful but then be ok to be around? Well my dad's the same way. Though I barely get to see him and when I do see him I either get yelled at like tonight or he goes to his room and works. See he's the only one who works in my family. My mom is housewife but she used to work, but I'm getting of the subject._

_The day was going great for once. Didn't get yelled at all yet. I was even left home alone. They have been doing that a lot lately but I'm not complaining. I like the peace and quiet. But then came evening. My mom and my sister came home and my grandmother was with them. It was some special anniversary or something. Then my dad came home and we had dinner. I went into my parents' room to watch TV and everything was going great until by best girl friend, Ginerva Weasley, called._

_Now even though her name is Ginerva everyone calls her Ginny. Anyways no one is allowed to talk on the phone in my parents' room and I was breaking a major rule. I kept telling her that I wasn't supposed to talk on the phone in there but she wouldn't listen. See she was on the other line with this guy and his friend. She wanted met o pretend to be someone else because the guys have never met the person I was supposed to pretend to be. I kept saying no and I guess she got fed up and that she really wanted me to do this, she patched me in on a three-way call. I didn't appreciate this very much._

_The call ended because I got in major trouble with my mom. She kept yelling at me and that I knew I wasn't allowed to talk on the phone in her room and I got what she was saying but she just wouldn't let it go. She kept coming in and bugging and nagging me about it and it was getting on my nerves but she finally went to sleep._

_After that you would have thought the horror would end but it didn't. When my dad was going to bed he came into the living room where my sister and I were watching some TV and said that we had better not stay up that late. This wasn't the bad part though. You see he gives us homework of his own and we have to do it because if we don't get punished._

_Well guess what? We did do it or at least I did, but it wasn't up to this standards. So he said he didn't wan to pressure us very much and I was thinking what the hell does he know about being pressured in my place right now. Then he gave us the punishment of instead of our usual homework from him we had to do three times as much and it had to be all done before lunch. How harsh can a person get? He was riding on my last nerve and that's usually my mom who takes that spot._

_Oh and the reason for not putting all the names is not because I don't know them, it's because I'm just being careful of who might read this. Diaries aren't the safest things. People might do anything to read someone's diary, depending on the person. Sure I wrote about magic and some names including mine. The people who decide to steal this diary and read it might just think that I'm crazy or even insane, and I shall admit that I do think that I am crazy but not crazy enough to be insane though. I will put spells on this diary when I get to Hogwarts though._

_Always but not likely forever,_

_Hermione Granger_


	5. Good Things Never Last Forever

**Chapter 5: Good Things Never Last Forever**_  
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_Dear Diary,August 22, 2004_

_It's been a couple of days since the last entry, but isn't that a good thing? I mean the reason why I write is because I get upset and I don't know what I can do to get rid of those rather strong emotions._

_Not much has happened and I've been pretty joyful which is a big surprise because I haven't been this joyful (the real thing) for years. A month ago I thought something did but not anymore. I was really wrong about that._

_Of course the good things in life never last forever, they usually don't even last for a couple of days. And even for the past few days, they weren't all joyous moments. I did get yelled at but not so badly that I had to write. But my Sunday school teacher was riding on my last nerve. She is so strict and picky and that's the only reason why no one likes her because other than that, she's really nice and funny. The thing is she's also new. She just started not so long ago. For once I am frightened that I will not do so good and my mask will slip. That's what I'm afraid of all the time that someone will see through it without me letting him or her know._

_Of course my mask is still good. No one has figured it out without me telling him or her first that I have one. I've already seen what people think of the ones who have a mask like I do. Hell even I was apart of it. She was my friend, everyone's friend but soon or maybe I should say later everyone saw through her mask. She was nothing but a liar and a fake. She was really good with her mask but perhaps she was too good and that made her slip up._

_I'm afraid of what everyone would think. I make others think that I don't care much about what others think of me, but that's one of the scariest things. What really goes on in people's heads? I have often wished to know what people were thinking about but also scared of what they were really thinking about. I guess I will never know what people actually think about me. I can't tell if they lie or not. Some people can lie very well and I can't tell. That's why I must learn how to tell. This will be hard but I am willing to try._

_Always but not likely forever,_

_Hermione Granger_


	6. Friends Help Keep Me Sane

AN: Yeah hi again everyone… okay yeah I don't know why I'm going to say this but oh well. I don't know how many of you guys know about the author bLkDrAgOnLaYdiE but I am that author. I just took a long ass break and now I forgot what the password to that account is so yeah. Just letting everyone know that me, LiToDaRkOnE, is bLkDrAgOnLaYdiE.

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**Chapter 6: Friends Help Keep Me Sane**_  
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_Dear Diary,August 23, 2004_

_Everything was going great today. Met up with some of my muggle friends and then went to a club's meeting. My new muggle friend was there, the one I met not so long ago. I spent practically the whole day with him. We did work together that was assigned to our group._

_After that we went to a near by friend's house and watched a movie and we were sitting next to each other, like leaning on one another. Then after the movie we went to pay off some money he owed and then walked to another friend's house because he wanted food. He's funny like that._

_Then the sour thing happened. After he went home, I was talking to my other friend and my mom came to pick me up and she was so mad at me and I didn't do anything and she just pisses me off so much. I seriously want another mother and I would be happy for once._

_Always but not likely forever,_

_Hermione Granger_


	7. Surprises Can Be Hurtful

**Chapter 7: Surprises Can Be Hurtful**_  
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_Dear Diary, October 20, 2004_

_It's been over a month since the last entry. I've been so busy with my homework and being head girl and all. I can't take it any more Lavender is getting on my nerves so much. She's like my older sister but even more annoying. I can't take it! She's pissing me off so much. I missed one day of school and there was an Arithmacy test and I asked Lavender what the test and homework was and she was like okay let's work on it together and then later when we got our all our stuff I asked about the test and she was like why should I help you if you never helped me on the tests and she got hella mad and took all her stuff and left. I didn't have my Arithmacy book so I couldn't even do the homework and I knew what the homework was. She pisses me off so much and she just now brought her Arithmacy book tot me telling me that she's done being mad at me. I don't care what she does but she just pisses me off so much and it's like we're sisters or something._

_Remember that cute "muggle" friend? Well he isn't really a muggle, he's a wizard and it turns out that he's Drac- I mean Malfoy's cousin. No wonder he looked familiar to me. He reminded me of Malfoy. I just don't know what to do anymore. He isn't speaking to me anymore and, plus, Malfoy's being nice to me. I don't understand it. He even said sorry to me in the hall when he bumped into me._

_You can say I'm getting darker and more depressed. I spend most of my time studying and barely eating. I've even visited the restricted section several times…okay maybe I've been taking Harry's invisibility cloak for the past month and a half. I've been learning more and more spells, charms, curses, and even potions and they're not the very peppy, happy kind either. Shit I hear Filch…_

_Always but not likely forever,_

_Hermione Granger_


	8. I Just Hate Everything

**Chapter 8: I Just Hate Everything**_  
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_Dear Diary, October 21, 2004_

_I hate my life. I hate everything. I hat everything that has ever hurt me. I just want to die. I seriously do, it's not even funny anymore. I cut myself more than once a day… I really can't take it anymore shit…_

_I've become darker and have kept to myself a lot lately. I have visited the restricted section more than I can count everyday and every night. I have become so used to the conditions of sneaking around to get to the restricted section, I don't need Harry's invisibility cloak or the Marauders' Map anymore._

_Always but not likely forever,_

_Hermione Granger_


	9. To Be Happy One Last Time

**Chapter 9: To Be Happy One Last Time**_  
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_Dear Dairy, October 31, 2004_

_It's been ten days. Ten days has been like an eternity. Anyways today is Halloween. I'm not going to the Halloween Ball as no one asked me but I'm okay with that. I've been rather lonely and I've been feeling emotionally low lately. I thought I had someone to share my feelings with but it turned out almost the same. The first day I talked to him, it seemed as if he really understood and it made me feel that I was cared about in the world. I even said no one would miss me if I was to die and he said something like how would I know. He even said I love you at the end of our conversation._

_You see the headmaster has tried to make pen pals for all the seventh years. Mine is a boy but I don't know his identity. Out identities are not to be revealed until the second to the last month of school. But after that conversation it didn't seem like he cared much anymore. It makes me want to cry a lot. He doesn't know how emotional I can be or get. I guess I really haven't found any one who understands me. It just makes me want to cry._

_I am not loved nor cared about in this world. I feel so useless no one cares for me. No one would care if I died. Then HE would not care. I just wanted someone who would love me and care for me._

_"Love me in the spring time,_

_When it's all green and new._

_Love me in the summer,_

_When the sky is oh so blue._

_Love me in the autumn,_

_When the leaves are turning brown._

_Love me in the winter,_

_When the snow is falling down._

_Love me when I'm happy,_

_And even when I'm sad._

_Love me when I'm good,_

_And even when I'm oh so bad._

_Love me when I'm pretty,_

_Or if my face is plain._

_Love me when I'm feeling good,_

_Or when I'm feeling pain._

_Love me always darlin',_

_In the rain or shining sun._

_Love me always darlin',_

_After all is said and done._

_Love me always darlin',_

_When all our life is through._

_Love me darlin',_

_For I'll be loving you."_

_I want someone to share this with. That's all I ever wanted. Someone to love and care for me because I need that the most. Everything is just too much to handle. School, homework, my life at home is just too much for me. I really just want to die; I can't take the pain anymore. It's too much. The person I care about the most is someone I never expected and he doesn't even know I exist._

_The pain won't go away anymore. No matter how hard I try to forget it or what I do to forget it, it keeps coming back harder and haunting me. The pain is always there. I haven't felt happiness in a long time and I miss that. I want to be happy again, but all this pain is so hard to get rid of. I just want it all to end. I WAN TTO BE HAPPY ONE LAST TIME._

_Always but not likely forever,_

_Hermione Granger_


	10. The Time Is Up

**Chapter 10: The Time's Up**_  
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_Dear Diary, November 3, 2004_

_I honestly cannot take it anymore. This will be the last entry I will ever make. Everything has gone wrong. I know I should stay and be strong but I cannot take all of this anymore. My pen pal is from Slytherin and I know he's trying to understand me but I know he's just like al the rest. They pretend to understand me and it really seems like they do, but they really don't._

_I thought my pen pal was different because he really seemed to understand me but he really is just like the rest. He doesn't really care; he's just humoring me. Making me think he understands but he really doesn't. I don't care if anyone reads this. I'd be surprised if anyone did read this._

_Now you know the real me. The me that is unstable and can't keep things together and the me that craves for love and attention and care from those who are supposed to give that to me._

_I hope someone will find this and do something about it, so I can be at rest. I will die without knowing the feeling of happiness. I guess my final wish never will come true. I have nothing else to live for. So good-bye to all, even though I doubt any of you would care that that I'm gone. You'd probably think, 'Man I just lost my copy cat,' well too bad._

_May I please rest in peace?_

_Hermione Jane Granger_

_October 7, 1987 – November 3, 2004_

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With the final touches of the last diary entry, Hermione Jane Granger lifted her wand. She pointed her wand straight at her heart and whispered the deadly curse that will take her to her death, "Avada Kedavera." 

Hermione fell to the floor of the Heads' common room with a thud when the portrait swung open to reveal her "secret" pen pal, otherwise known as the Slytherin King, Draco Malfoy.

He would have walked past her if he didn't trip over her. Draco though she was sleeping and said, "Wake up mudblood!" When she did not awaken, he turned her limp body over to see her empty brown doe eyes that were once shining with life staring at him with the sadness that had consumed her.

He gasped in shock, when he realized that she was dead. Draco immediately thought to call the Headmaster but as he got up something near Hermione's hand caught his eye. It looked way too familiar to him. As he examined it closely, he realized it was the quill he sent his pen pal for her birthday. He saw the diary and opened it and as he scanned the pages he was hit with realization that Hermione had committed suicide.

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AN: yeah sorry everyone I made Hermione die but it fit. Don't get mad, there's an epilogue coming AND a sequel so yeah. 


	11. Epilogue

AN: ahahahahaha here is the epilogue and I hope you guys like it :D and don't forget to look out for the other half of this story: _What Lonely Really Feels Like_!

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Draco Malfoy's P.O.V.

It's been four days since her death. Her funeral is in an hour. I still cannot believe she's dead. When I found her and realized she was my "secret" pen pal, I thought, _Hermione is the one I fell in love with?_

Yes, I loved Hermione Jane Granger and didn't even know it. If only our pen pals' identities were revealed since the beginning, but then again I wouldn't have fell so hard for her. I know it's weird to fall in love with a person if you don't even know their name but her life was so much like mine.

Albus Dumbledor's P.O.V.

I walked into Draco's room to come and get him for Hermione's funeral. He was standing in front of his mirror in all black and with a blood red tie as the only color on his person. I went over to him and gently laid my hand on his shoulder and said, "It is time."

He merely glanced at me with his solemn eyes but he did give a slight nod to acknowledge that he heard me. We walked in silence to the Great Hall where Hermione's funeral was held.

I knew all along what was going on with Hermione but this was something I was not able predict.

Draco Malfoy's P.O.V.

I looked around the Great Hall and saw no one. Not even Potty and the two Weasels came to their own best friend's funeral. It was just the Headmaster, the professors and I. Then I realized the two most important people were missing and I turned my head sharply towards the Headmaster whom was still standing besides me and asked, "Headmaster, where are Hermione's parents?"

The Headmaster grimly told me, "They did not care enough to come, Mr. Malfoy." I stood there in shock as he left my side to join the other professors near Hermione's casket. The words _they did not care enough_ kept ringing through my head. How could her parents not care that she died. She's their daughter for Merlin's beard, their flesh and blood fused together. Hell, I could understand why Potty and the Weasels didn't come. They were her friends because she was smart.

Normal P.O.V.

The Great Hall was completely silent as Draco walked up to the casket that held the late Hermione Jane Granger. As he walked the length of her casket, he gently slid his hand across the casket's smooth surface and stopped when his hand came to her face. He stared at face intently and gazed at her with sorrow filled eyes.

Draco slowly bent down and caressed Hermione's check with his right hand and whispered, "I Love You" so only she could hear and then he gently brushed his lips across hers in a light kiss. He backed away with tears streaming down his once full of hatred face.


End file.
